Have you ever suspected your neighbours of being aliens in human form? Could their eccentricities be explained by their imperfect mimicry of human behaviour? How could you even tell if Mike next door is in fact Möök, an alien invader from Proxima Centauri b? Let me tell you a story that just might make you think twice about inviting the neighbours over for a BBQ…
It might not look like it, but I like to keep a low profile. I try to blend in with my surroundings. See the way my outfit matches the colour of that sign behind me? Being inconspicuous is a given in my job: tracking down alien invaders.
You might think I am on the phone, discussing meaningless drivel with a girlfriend. You would be wrong. I am following a suspect, seen ‘relaxing’ in a nearby park, reading a book. Such a beginner’s mistake! He’s probably a recent arrival, not realizing humans stare into iPhones rather than paperbacks. Hopefully, I’ll spot him, or rather, it, soon.
Not many people have heard of us. That’s by design. We are a secret government organization tasked with covert interdiction and discreet elimination of alien impostors. Think ‘Space Force’ but with feet firmly planted on terra firma.
We scan the environment, including the skies, looking for anything out of the ordinary. Equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like this flat-screen virtual headset, we see the world in more dimensions than you can shake a stick at.
On the lookout for an alien invader
No mysterious light in the sky gets past our surveillance. Who knows, it could be another truckload, or rather, rocket load, of aliens, trying to sneak past our defences. But what about all the other people who probably saw the strange light, you may ask? No problem: the average Joe, or Joanna, readily buys a planted story about a Space-X launch. So gullible!
This is my partner, code name 1010. We operate a binary numerical coding system to conceal our real names – obviously! Like me, ten-ten, as we call her, uses a false identity, and is adept at blending in to her surroundings. She looks like a harmless soul, an ever-cheerful participant at a writer’s festival. In fact, she is a cold-hearted, ruthless killer. Of alien invaders, that is. We cannot afford sentimentality in our fight for Earth’s survival.
Sometimes, this means putting our lives on the line. Just a few months ago, July 4th as it happens, one of our team found this out the hard way. Confronting an alien, cunningly and ironically disguised as a fictional alien, he ended up on the receiving end of a knockout punch.
The alien invader escaped, probably to reappear somewhere in a completely different cosplay outfit. He, or it, won’t elude us for long. Like The Mounties, we always get our man alien.
Spotting these alien impostors can be tricky, though. Take this police officer. Is he a uniformed official, fulfilling his duties as protector of the public? Or, is he lieutenant Thäärk, of the Proxima Centauri b Advance Force? His highly improbable alias, “K James”, is clearly a red flag. He warrants close and ongoing surveillance.
Alien invader disguise misfires
Sometimes, an alien’s attempts to ‘fit in’ are laughable. This couple employed a widely-used subterfuge: aliens deployed in pairs to resemble a common human family unit. They might have gone undetected were it not for their ludicrous attempt to blend into US culture.
It’s one thing to be patriotic, it’s quite another to wear ridiculous, stars-and-stripes themed, his-and-hers dungaree shorts. Are we in the 1950s? Does this look like a farm? I sometimes wonder who back at invasion-HQ is advising these people alien invaders.
Needless to say, this pair were quietly apprehended upon their return home, after a refreshing stroll.
If I were advising aliens on their strategy, I would urge them to be more subtle. Here’s a pair of harmless Aussies, out for an afternoon walk. Why would anyone pay attention to these two? Nothing out of the ordinary here: a perfect disguise for would-be antipodean aliens.
We have observed, time and time again, that outrageous disguises are not limited to just clothing choices. The beard sported by this ‘worker’ is clearly fake. Who, on Earth (as opposed to Proxima Centauri b), would grow such a forest on their face, especially in a warm climate? He is not even holding his ‘walkie-talkie’ the right way up!
Ditch the stars-and-stripes beanie and get a shave, buddy! You would be much more convincing if you did.
At the other end of the scale, an almost too-perfect human physique is another giveaway. How likely is it that someone with a supermodel figure would be just wandering around a street market? And those sneakers? Are they ‘out of this world’, or what?
There is no way this is just a local-yokel, with nothing better to do than hunt for bargains. Note to self: need to keep a close eye on this one.
Big Brother
So, we are on constantly on the lookout. In fact, we are almost certainly watching YOU. Do you think that bloke with the loud shirt, staring out the window, just happened to look your way? Get with the program! Our eyes are everywhere.
If you are an alien invader reading this article, you can count on being found. Portraying yourself as a ‘Leica aficionado’, or some kind of fancy ‘M-camera’ shooter, is not going to work. And forget all that ‘retro’ spiel about #filmisnotdead. You should be paying more attention to #alientrackingisnotdead!
Watch out for suspicious characters
If you suspect any of your neighbours, or even someone on the Macfilos editorial team, might be an alien. Be sure to let us know in the comments below.
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Great Article. I had a good laugh, yes you are right, we are all aliens in pur own way haha
Thanks, Gustavo! You have made my day! All the best, Keith
You’ve brought home a topic that has been on my mind for years………thank you for confirming that I am not crazy………..please don’t tell anyone I wrote this……….
Jon, your secret is safe with me, and the hundreds of people who have read the article so far… As they say, just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they are not out to get you… Cheers, Keith
Those aliens in the last photo must be gigantic! ..How can they expect to get away un-noticed, when they’re H-U-G-E – must be 400′ tall – compared with the average earthling between them!
I refer you straight back to Father Ted!
Funny you should say that, Jono! For my book – written, but not yet printed – about what we call Time and Space, I commissioned a picture from Nitrozac and Snaggy – the well-known online cartoonists! – showing a street scene in which the perspective is all random ..that is, some nearby things look large, but some also look crazily small, and some distant things look as large as – or larger than – nearby cars, people, etcetera. (It was rather difficult for Nitro, but she nailed it in the end. I won’t show it here.)
This was to encourage people to think about what we really see and what we can believe. How DO full size people fit inside those teeny-weeny planes we see up in the sky? How do car manufacturers make them so that they get smaller as we walk away from them, and get bigger as we approach them? ..Or do we get smaller as we approach a distant car to fit inside it? [You know that old joke about Picasso?]
Does what we see really tally with reality? Clearly not ..going by that photo of Mike, J-P and the little man between them. What we see in everyday life is just optical illusions (..and there are plenty more illusions in life, too). Anyway, this is very much an interest of mine.
Now, normal service will resume as soon as possible.. (as it used to say on BBC TV in the fifties..)
I can’t recall the old joke about Picasso you are referring to. However how about this joke instead:
“One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out…
When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.”
No, the one I meant was.. a man says to Picasso “your paintings are ridiculous, awful, those women with eyes in the wrong places ..they don’t look anything like proper women: this is what a woman really looks like; this is my wife..” and he takes out of his pocket a photo of his wife and shows it to Picasso, and Picasso says “..but she’s so tiny!”
Hi David, apart from size, this is the problem with spotting aliens – they look so unassuming. Just like the two jokers you refer to… All the best, Keith
“In risu veritas”
Thanks Chris! Very erudite! All the best, Keith